A Woman Scorned
by Beka Alcott
Summary: Sam Carter is dangerous when angry. SG1 are a prank force to be reckoned with. Any more would be giving the game away! Rating for bad, bad words. Please Review!
1. Dr Williams' big mistake

**A Woman Scorned**

_Sam Carter is dangerous when angry. SG-1 are a prank force to be reckoned with. Any more would be giving the game away!! Rating for bad, bad words. ; )_

_Disclaimer: I own nothing. If I did, Sam and Jack would have got together back in season 8, and Janet would never have died._

_As usual, PLEASE review! Criticism welcomed!  
_

* * *

J - Hey kids . . . 

D - Yeah?

T - Yes, O'Neill.

J - What does 'philander' mean?

D - To flirt.

J - Flirt?

D - Yes.

J - You sure?

D - Yes.

J - Okay.

D - Why?

J - No reason. Carter, you there?

D - Sam?

S - Yes.

T - Is everything alright, Major Carter?

S - Yep, everything's fantastic. Fan-bloody-tastic.

J - I sense sarcasm.

D - Are you okay, Sam?

S - I'm fine. You probably shouldn't talk to me right now.

J - Why not?

S - I'm likely to go off on one in a minute. And yell. I really don't want you guys to get in the firing line.

T - Has something transpired, Major Carter?

S - I mean it guys, don't ask.

D - We're just worried about you Sam.

_Pause_

J - Carter?

S - Okay, if someone had been asking you out for weeks, and then you finally agreed only to find that they only wanted to have sex with you, and didn't even make an effort with the other stuff, and then when you explained to them that you really didn't feel that way about them and had thought they respected you and didn't just want your body they said that was all you were good for, would you be mad?

D - Who was it?

S - Guess.

J - That guy who's been turning on the charm and hitting on you for ages? Tall guy, dark hair . . .

T - Doctor Williams?

S - You got it. The jackass.

J - He really said that to you?

S - Yes. Then he had the nerve to accuse _me_ of leading him on under false pretences, called me a bitch, then yelled at me to get out of his fucking car, leaving me to walk three miles in the pouring fucking rain to get home!!!

J - Carter, don't swear. It doesn't suit you.

D - No, it doesn't. It's not you.

S - I don't bloody care if it fucking suits me or not! I'm pissed off!

T - I have never heard you use so many expletives in one conversation before.

S - Can we please stop fixating on my language???

J - When you calm down and quit swearing, yes.

S - THREE FREAKING MILES, JACK!

J - I got that. You should have called one of us to pick you up.

S - Yeah, cos I wouldn't feel at all stupid doing that!!!

D - We wouldn't think any less of you.

S - I _agreed_ to go out with him. I thought he was _nice_. He only wanted sex, for crying out loud!

J - Hey, that's my thing.

S - I DON'T BLOODY CARE!!!

J - Carter, stop swearing. That's an order.

S - IN THE FREAKING RAIN!!!

D - You really should have called one of us.

S - I'm going to the gym.

J - Want some company?

S - Want a black eye?

J - See you later.

D - Bye Sam.

T - Do not do yourself an injury. It is easy to be a little too . . . _enthusiastic_ in training when one is angry.

S - Thanks, T, I'll bear that in mind.

* * *

D - Sam? You back yet? 

S - Yeah.

D - Better now?

S - Much. There's nothing like beating the crap out of a punch bag for letting out rage.

J - Amen to that. Any injuries?

S - Sore knuckles, but I'm sure I'll live.

T - I am glad you are feeling better.

S - So, who wants to help me exact revenge?

J - What do you have in mind?

S - I don't know yet. I'm open to suggestions.

D - You don't want to do anything too rash, cos he'll probably know it's you and he might retaliate.

S - Good point. Any ideas?

J - You need something subtle enough so he suspects it's probably you, but doesn't feel compelled to get you back.

T - I could steal his locker key.

S - Nah, not big enough.

D - Itching powder?

J - Too big. He'll retaliate on that one. How about ink?

S - Ink?

J - Put it somewhere strategic, so he doesn't even notice it's there until he's wiped it all over his face or something.

T - We need to find somewhere to place it where he will expect there to be a damp substance, but will not check.

D - Washcloth?

J - Nah, it'll come off under the tap and he'll notice.

S - Locker door?

J - Possibly. He may notice, though, depending on the colour of the ink.

T - Towel. While he is training, switch his towel for one with ink on it. He will hopefully not notice until after he has wiped his face on it.

S - Nice one, Teal'c! How do we pull it off?

J - Well, I suggest Daniel does it. Doc. Williams won't suspect him, and Danny could go and work out at the same time as him, ask if he can borrow his towel for a moment, and then quickly switch them.

D - What if he catches me?

J - Improvise.

D - Okay.

S - You're really gonna do it?

D - Sure I will. You're family, and he needs to pay.

S - Thanks, guys. This means a lot.

J - No problem, Carter. Teal'c, you're in charge of recon. Find out what colour towel Williams has, and when he goes to the gym. Carter, co-ordinate with T on the towel colour and buy the ink. Daniel, T will tell you when to go to the gym, and I'll practice the switch over with you.

T - Understood. I shall begin at once.

S - Really guys, thanks. This is going to be so hilarious.

J - Hey, I can't wait to see the result.

D - Do you think we should organise an audience?

S - I dunno, we don't want it to be too obvious. I mean, he's going to suspect Daniel soon after realising what's happened, do we want to tempt fate too much?

J - Carter's right. Too much embarrassment might provoke a retaliatory strike.

D - Alright. No audience. Normal corridor traffic.

J - Let's get going.

* * *

_How will the prank go? Does Sam get her revenge? Find out in chapter 2 – coming soon! Please tell me what you think so far_

_Beka ;)_


	2. The ink prank

_Part 2 of 'A Woman Scorned', for your enjoyment! Plz review!_

* * *

S - Oh my God! Oh my GOD!!!

J - That was hilarious on a whole new level of hilarity.

D - I could barely keep a straight face! He looked at me like I was crazy, or drunk, or something.

T - That was by far the best prank I have ever participated in.

S - Real team effort. Thanks guys, I owe you one.

J - Nah, Carter, it's like we said before: you're family, and he deserved it.

S - Well thank you anyway.

D - You're welcome.

T - Indeed.

J - So, what's next?

D - Next?

S - Now . . . we go back to our day-jobs, sir, and hope Ben doesn't report us to Hammond.

J - Who's Ben?

_Pause_

S - He's the guy we just played a prank on, sir. Ink? Remember?

J - Ah. I didn't know his first name.

S - You didn't?

J - No. But I do now.

D - Is he likely to report us?

S - I don't think so, but then what do I know? I thought he was a decent guy, but then he turned out to be a complete jackass.

T - If he is intelligent, he will now know that we can be dangerous to upset, and he will let things lie.

J - Big 'if' there.

S - He's got a PhD, sir. I think we can rely on his intelligence, if we can't rely on his integrity.

D - Let's hope so.

J - I'm surprised you didn't hit him, when he said . . . what he said.

S - He said that sex was all I was good for. And I did hit him.

J - You did???

S - Course I did. You didn't think I was just going to _take_ insults like that, did you?

J - No I didn't. Which is why I said I was surprised you didn't thump him.

D - How hard did you hit him?

S - Not very hard. Hard enough to hurt, but not hard enough to bruise.

T - A wise decision. Bruising would most likely earn him sympathy.

S - Yeah, and we certainly wouldn't want that.

J - I'm curious, why did you agree to go on a date with him anyway?

S - Cos . . . he seemed nice. He was very charming and handsome, and seemed to genuinely like me, and I just thought it might be fun.

J - Just goes to show you can never trust the charmers.

S - Yep. Like I shouldn't have learnt that lesson years ago.

D - You once said Jonas Hanson was very charming.

S - Exactly. I have a weakness for ass-holes who have a natural gift for charm.

D - You always figure them out, though.

S - I was _engaged_ to Jonas before I figured him out.

J - Still, you got there.

S - Eventually.

T - We should celebrate our victory over Doctor Williams.

J - Indeed. Cake?

S - Cake would be good.

J _- Excellent_.

* * *

_Hope you liked it! This is probably it, unless you think another chapter is called for? Please please please review! Thanx for reading! _

_Beka!_


	3. Someone didn't get the hint

_One of you lovely people who reviewed gave me an idea for a continuation – and it was just too good to pass up!_

_**Part 3 of 'A Woman Scorned'**. Plz review!_

* * *

S - Hey guys, you got a minute?

J - For you Carter, I've got ten.

D - What's up Sam?

S - Ben Williams is a dead man.

J - What did he do now?

S - Let's just say he obviously didn't learn anything from our little payback operation.

T - Has he reported us to General Hammond?

S - No, worse.

D - There's worse?

S - He's told the entire science department that I slept with him and then ditched him the morning after. He's acting all heartbroken about it.

J - He WHAT?

S - I'm trying not to dwell on it. Otherwise I may break something, and everything in my lab is extremely expensive.

T - How shall we proceed?

D - Proceed? You mean we're doing some more payback?

J - Of course we are! We can't just let him get away with it!

S - If he'd left it alone after the ink, I may have just let it go. But this means war.

J - So, who's in?

S - I am.

T - As am I.

D - Me too.

S - You sure Daniel? I won't mind if you want to drop out at this stage. It could get ugly.

D - You kidding? I wouldn't miss this for the world!

J - Okay, everyone do some thinking, and report back in two hours with prank ideas.

S - Yes sir.

* * *

J - Time's up, kids.

D - Good, because I have a really, really good idea.

T - As have I.

S - Wow, this sounds promising.

J - Carter? You got anything?

S - Nothing good.

J - Let's hear it anyway.

S - Pink hair dye in his shower gel?

J - That's not so bad! We'll keep it in reserve. Danny?

D - Laxatives in his coffee!

J - Oh no, that is so last century! And it's been done to death.

D - So has Sam's idea!

J - Yeah, but that would be funny. Round here people would just be concerned for him if he started looking ill and ran for the bathroom.

D - Fair point.

S - Teal'c, what was your idea?

T - Allow him to take pills of his own making.

S - Huh?

J - Give him a taste of his own medicine?

T - Indeed.

S - Oh! How exactly?

T - He is guilty of spreading false rumours regarding what happened in your evening with him. I suggest we do the same.

D - So what do we say?

T - That he became slightly inebriated, and confessed to being a homosexual.

J - Woah! That's a little . . .

S - Fair.

J - Saying he's gay?

S - He as good as called me a slut! TWICE! Damn right it's fair!

T - Indeed.

D - Isn't that slanderous?

S - And spreading lies about me isn't?

J - She's got a point.

D - What if we use the idea of homosexuality, but . . . without actually doing anything that could get us in trouble?

T - How do you propose we do that, Daniel Jackson?

D - Get a guy to pretend that he thought Williams was gay, and come onto him.

S - Good idea in principle, cos it would embarrass the hell out of him, but where are we gonna find a guy willing to do that?

J - Yeah, Daniel, in case you haven't noticed this is a military base. We could still get in trouble for it.

S - Well, you could. Me, Daniel and Teal'c are okay.

J - Yes, but you're a girl. Plus at this point having YOU come onto him would achieve nothing.

D - No way am I doing it!

J - It was your idea!

D - I can't pretend to be gay!

J - Why not?

D - Because!

S - He wouldn't be believable anyway, sir. The entire base knows about his reputation for having a girl on every planet.

D - I do not!

J - Do.

D - Don't!

J - Do!

D - Don't!

S - Children! Daniel can't do it. That's final.

J - Who made you boss?

S - I'm the one being victimised by Ben-bloody-Williams.

T - I will undertake the mission for you, Samantha Carter.

S - Really Teal'c? You'd do that for me?

T - Indeed. I consider you to be a sister. Dr Williams must be made to feel as uncomfortable as possible.

J - Okay, I just spotted a problem. What if Williams uses it against us? What if he starts spreading rumours that Teal'c is gay?

T - He will not.

D - How can you be sure?

T - Have confidence in me. He will not be spreading any more rumours.

S - We have to video it!

D - Yeah! Can you rig the security camera feed through to your lab, Sam?

S - Course I can. You have to ask?

J - So, when do you want to do it, T?

T - When would be most appropriate?

S - Anytime when he's sure to be alone. How about we rig the camera in his lab, and we just wait until he's alone in there?

J - It's a plan. How soon can you rig the camera?

S - Within the hour.

J - Alright, everyone to Carter's lab.

* * *

___How will Teal'c fare at seducing Williams? How hilarious would that be, seriously! I hope I can do it justice._

___Thanks 4 reading again! _

___Beka_

___(p.s. thanks to Halfpastdead001 for the idea!_)


	4. Jaffa Seduction 101

_**Part 3 of 'A Woman Scorned'**_

_The amazing seducing powers of . . . (drum roll please) . . . Teal'c!  
_

* * *

_The following is recorded from the security camera in room C17 – Dr Ben Williams' lab, between the hours of 1300 and 1400._

Teal'c walked up to the doorway of Dr Williams' lab, and carefully leaned his weight against the doorframe.

"Ben Williams. I am extremely pleased to see you." He said in a low, quiet voice.

Ben gulped. He had a feeling this was something to do with Sam, and as much as he'd like to believe the jaffa wouldn't dare hurt him on camera, he _was_ the former first prime of Apophis.

"Teal'c. I uh . . . what can I do for you?"

Teal'c entered the room, and shut the door behind him.

"I have been waiting for an opportunity such as this to present itself. I have been watching you, Ben Williams."

Ben stood up and backed slightly away from him nervously. "Look, if this is about Sam, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it . . . I just . . . I don't want her."

"Of that I have no doubt." Teal'c said, slowly advancing on his prey.

"Huh?" Ben was now extremely confused.

"At first, I did not understand. Why would a man such as yourself throw away the chance to be with a woman like Samantha Carter? When you agreed to go on a date with her, you were the envy of many." Teal'c continued.

Ben didn't bother correcting the jaffa. His ego liked the sound of it being _him_ who'd agreed to go on a date with the blonde bombshell of a Major.

"But then, in the aftermath, and after I heard what you had told others about that evening, I began to realise the truth."

By now Teal'c had cornered the doctor. He stared at him solidly, not giving anything away, standing just a foot away from him. Poor Ben had no chance of escape.

"Oh? What's that?" Ben stammered.

"You do not enjoy the affections of women." Teal'c stated simply, in almost a whisper.

Ben blinked. "Pardon?"

"You prefer the company of men. Would you like to mate with me, Ben Williams?" Teal'c dropped his bomb in a level, unassuming voice, with his relentless unreadable stare.

A minute went by as Ben just gaped at the jaffa, now just inches away. Teal'c didn't move a muscle. The longer he waited, the more freaked out Ben would become. He cocked his head in amusement as the scientist turned ever deepening shades of crimson.

"You . . . y-y-you what?" Ben stammered, petrified. Teal'c said nothing for a moment, allowing his words to have maximum effect.

"Meet me at 1700 hours in my quarters. Be aware – in jaffa culture, 'standing someone up' as humans call it, is an offence punishable with a severe beating. You hurt the feelings of my friend. I would relish the excuse to cause you physical pain if you chose to miss our appointment."

And with that, Teal'c gave Ben a small bow, and left.

* * *

_So, did you like? Please please please let me know, I so want feedback on this, as I've never really done anything about Teal'c before._

_Beka  
_


	5. Daniel's sex toy shop!

_**Part 5 of 'A Woman Scorned'**_

_The dastardly plot continues! Please please please review . . . _

* * *

S - Teal'c, you legend! I love you!

J - That, my friend, was awesome!

T - Thank you O'Neill, Major Carter.

D - What are you going to do when he comes to your quarters?

T - I will let him in, and then leave him in there, having made an excuse and left.

S - We have to set up something in there! Like thongs and mood music!

J - Carter, where are we going to find thongs and mood music in the space of three hours?

D - There's a sex accessory shop in a road off of the main high street down town.

_Pause_

J - I'm not going to ask how you know that.

D - Hey! It's not like I've been in there, or anything!

J - If you say so.

D - I do.

S - So who's going?

J - Going?

S - To Daniel's little shop for some . . . equipment.

J - Nicely put. And I'm not going.

D - Chicken.

J - Carter?

S - Over my dead body.

J - Teal'c?

S - You can't ask him, he's already had to chat Ben up.

T - I would prefer not to enter such a shop.

D - It's your turn anyway, Jack. I did the ink thing.

J - What's Carter done?

S - Hello? I'm the one who got duped in the first place. Besides, wouldn't a woman buying men's underwear and . . . stuff . . . look a little strange?

J - No.

D - Well you're still going.

J - D'oh.

* * *

Jack glared at the front of the small, pink shop. He _so_ did not want to go in there.

_Just do it Jack,_ he said to himself, _this is for Carter._

With an exaggerated sigh, he got out of his truck. Carter and Daniel had constructed a shopping list, but he'd memorised it, rather than be seen with it. He didn't want to know how his two scientist kids knew about this stuff. Especially Carter. _Don't even go there, Jack._

The shop door gave an annoying little beep when he opened it. So much for not being noticed. A forty–something woman with heavy make-up and a lot of cleavage sauntered over to him.

"Can I help you with anything, honey?" She asked sweetly with a flutter of the eyelashes.

"No . . . thank you." Jack said, quickly retreating to the other end of the shop.

Taking a deep breath, Jack tried to focus, and took in his surroundings. _There's nothing to it, _he thought, _just a quick in and out job._ He couldn't help but blush when he looked at the items of women's underwear – if you could call it that – in front of him. He strolled down the aisle uncertainly, wanting but not wanting to look. He gulped when he saw a camouflage bra set complete with General's hat, side-arm holders on the suspenders and riding crop. _Not looking not looking not looking_, he chanted in his head. _And DEFINITELY not thinking about Carter._

Turning round quickly, he found the men's underwear behind him. Selecting two leather thongs – one red, one black – and some pink fluffy handcuffs with a whip, as well as an intriguing long pink feather, he hurriedly paid, and left with a pinch on the posterior from the assistant.

Back in the car, Jack closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and counted to ten in Goa'uld. _Carter, _he thought, _you SO owe me one.  
_

* * *

  
"Oh – My – God!" Sam exclaimed, as the four of them poured over the contents of Jack's shopping bag in Teal'c's quarters.

"You owe me BIG TIME Carter! It was a nightmare!" Jack moaned.

"It can't have been that bad. It probably made you look . . . virile." Daniel reasoned.

"Yes. And a 'tad' gay." Jack retorted. Sam tried to hide a smirk, earning a glare from Jack.

"Okay, where do we put them?" Sam said, trying to be objective and _so_ not thinking about what her boys would look like in leather thongs.

"Place the chair in the centre of the room, facing the door, with the feather lying on it, and rope tied around the back. Hook the handcuffs over the bedpost, and leave the thongs on the bed." Teal'c instructed. The three humans gave him a mocking look.

"Do you disagree with this arrangement?" Teal'c asked. They gawped at him.

"So naïve." Jack said fondly. Daniel and Sam giggled.

"That arrangement is fine Teal'c. Very . . . provocative." Sam reassured him.

"What music did you get?" Jack asked. Sam and Daniel exchanged amused grins.

"Hit me baby one more time. By Britney Spears."

"And 'I just can't get you out of my head' by Kylie Minogue."

"And if that isn't enough to send him running, we've got 'Hot Stuff' by Michael Jackson."

"_Excellent_." Jack said, nodding his approval.

"When I greet him, should I wear my gym clothes?" Teal'c asked.

"Yeah! Show off your muscles!" Sam said enthusiastically. Jack and Daniel both did very good impression of a Teal'c raised eyebrow.

"What? He's got a lovely six-pack and muscular arms that, in this context, it would be a waste not to show off." Sam said defensively. More smirks.

"I am a woman, you know!" She said huffily.

"Yes Carter, we know." Jack got a sudden image of her in the camouflage lingerie. He shook himself sternly.

At 1630, the room was ready, with candles, music and red light bulbs Sam found in the store room. SG-1 bid Teal'c good luck, and filed out. They were going to watch from Sam's lab again.

"This should be good." Jack said, rubbing his hands together gleefully.

"Priceless." Sam agreed.

* * *

_What did you think? How will Ben Williams react? Has SG-1 bitten off more than they can chew? Find out - soon!_

_Beka_


	6. Hook, Line and Sinker

_**Part 6 of 'A Woman Scorned'**_

_Here it is at long last! Sorry for the delay - exams are the spawn of Satan.**  
**_

* * *

A knock on the door sounded from Sam's computer, sending SG-1 minus Teal'c scurrying to the screen. It was time.

* * *

Teal'c stood up from his meditative position on the floor in his room, smoothed his tank top, and opened the door with a predatory smile. "Ben Williams. You are two minutes late." 

Dr Williams stood on the doorstep, actually quivering with fear. "Look, Teal'c, I just came here to say that you've got the wrong –"

"Enter." Teal'c interrupted, turning on his heel and striding into the room.

Gulping, Ben followed. The door clicked shut behind him.

Teal'c now stood half hidden in shadow, still smiling.

"Um . . ." Ben stammered, opening and closing his mouth like a goldfish. Even in the red lighting, it was easily obvious over the security camera feed that he was blushing furiously. SG-1 were in hysterics.

"Sit." Teal'c instructed, pointing at the chair. Ben sat.

Teal'c took the pink fluffy handcuffs, and restrained the terrified scientist with them. Then, he laid the feather across Ben's lap, and leant the whip against the bed, having left the two thongs strewn across the floor and messed up the bed covers. He ruffled up Ben's hair, and pulled his shirt open slightly. Then, he stood back to assess his handiwork. _Perfect._

Ben was seriously confused by this stage. He'd come here expecting some kind of gay jaffa foreplay, but instead was getting . . . _Holy SHIT!_

It suddenly hit him what Teal'c was doing, just as the jaffa gave him a small bow, and left the room. He was being set up. This was about Sam. He was being set up. _Shit shit shit shit shit!  
_

* * *

Teal'c strolled down the halls of the SGC, cool, calm, confidently and extremely self-satisfied. As O'Neill would say in his place – _Oh I'm good_. 

He entered Sam's lab to cheers of appreciation.

"T! You're the _man!_" Jack cheered, slapping his friend on the back.

* * *

Sam practically skipped through the halls towards Teal'c's room. This was going to be so much fun. 

She opened the door, laughing outright at Ben's appearance.

"Yeah, that's right, laugh all you want! You know I'm reporting you for sexual harassment don't you?" Ben taunted.

"Oh I don't think you will." Sam said grinning.

"Oh yeah?"

"Yep." She pulled a camera out of her pocket and started snapping pictures of him.

"What the hell are you doing???"

"What does it look like? I'm taking your photo."

"Stop it!" Ben yelled, agitatedly.

"Why should I? I wouldn't want everyone else to miss this, would I?"

"You little bitch! You're not getting away with this!"

"Aren't I? Let me tell you what's going to happen here." Sam stood behind him, talking quietly into his ear. "You're going to apologise to me. Then, I'm going to untie you, and let you go. You are not going to tell anyone _anything else_, regarding me, our 'date', Teal'c, or anything that has happened in the past week to do with me and my team. If you do, I e-mail these pictures to every person in the SGC and beyond. Do you understand?"

Ben stared straight ahead in shock. Sam poked him in the back. "I said, do you understand?"

"Yes." He said, moodily. Clearly he'd lost this round.

"Good. Now, do we have an agreement?"

"Yes."

"So . . . ?"

"I'm sorry for lying about you."

"And . . .?"

"And what?"

"How about sorry for treating me like dirt when you took me out?"

"Fine. I'm sorry."

"Okay." Sam pulled a key out of her pocket, and unlocked the handcuffs. Ben stood up quickly and shot her a look of deepest loathing.

"For the record, I hate you." He sneered.

"My heart bleeds."

Ben gave her one last glare, and stalked out. Sam turned to the security camera, winked and waved.

"Boys, mission accomplished!"

* * *

_And there it is! Thanks for reading. This might be it, unless anyone has any other ideas . . . _

_Please please please review! Help me shift that exam blues!_

_Beka_


End file.
